I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
