The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
