Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think my vagina is haunted
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
