shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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