i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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