I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
