Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
