The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
