I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
