You smell like a Billy Joel song
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My vagina is officially offended.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
