Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
