I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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