There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm just crazy horny about you
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
