She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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