I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
