the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
