the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
