i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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