just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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