As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
