I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
