Don't you send me to vm
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
