i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
