i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
