I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
