I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
