I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
