Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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