were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
