he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
