So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
i think my cat just said my name.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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