Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
