my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also, beer. Big fan.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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