Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
