my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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