I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
