you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
