my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
