Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
