3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
