I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
