I never want to see another naked old woman again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
