I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
