I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize