I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
