It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My life is pants optional.
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