Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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