and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
