you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
