I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
