sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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