i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
