Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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