I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
