Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
