i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
