He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
