No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
